Talking to Your Child About Death

Perhaps the worst thing we can do as parents is to avoid the topic of death with our children. Eventually, like it or not, somebody (or some pet) that your child knows and/or loves will die. That's just the way it works.

Before your child needs to experience this first hand, it is important for them to be familiar about the topic of death and what it actually means. This can be accomplished through songs, books, and even movies (careful - some Disney movies make it seem as if somebody is dead, but then, voila! a spell is broken and they are fine, just fine. This can be very confusing for a child.).

Here are some terms for helping children understand death. (I only suggest only using these terms if a child starts asking questions. There is no need to sit down for dinner tonight and talk about death - unless of course, you've just read a book where somebody or some pet dies and your child is curious.)

Physical death - death of a body; the body stops walking, doesn't eat, doesn't hurt, doesn't poop anymore.

If somebody in your child's life does die, it's important to:

• use the word "Dead". Make sure you do not say "lost" or "past on"
• make sure the child knows the person that died doesn't hurt.
• make sure they know the following - death is irreversible, permanent, painless
• let/encourage your child to ask questions
• have books about death and be sure to have read them already (list below)
• let children participate in closure/help set up ending practices
• allow children to grieve in their own way
• share feelings with your child (it's OKAY to be sad in front of children)
• provide support for your child
• maintain the child's daily routine
• death can be a celebration
• remember it is not the age of the child when deciding if the child should attend a funeral service, but rather the relationship between the child and the deceased.
• answer honestly when asked if you are going to die. "No, I'm not going to die right now."
• establish memories ("This is the first birthday since your father died.")

Talk about death before it happens. Some people avoid books where people or pets die - I seek them out. One of Quinn's favorite books is "Tough Boris". It's a great little book about a tough pirate - who's so tough, but then his parrot dies, and the pirate cries, and cries, and cries. He was familiar with this book before our dog died and asked me to read it many times afterwards. Here's a list of other books that are appropriate for young children.

• Tough Boris - Mem Fox
• Wilfred Gordon MacDonald Partridge - Mem Fox
• Sophie - Mem Fox
• You Hold Me and I'll Hold You - Jo Carson
• Old Pig - Margaret Will
• Go Tell Aunt Rhody - Aliki
• Everett Anderson's Goodbye - Lucille Clifton
• Nana Upstairs and Nana Downstairs - Tomie dePaola
• Miss Tizzy - Libba Moore Gray
• Remember Me - Margaret Wild
• Still My Grandma - V. Van Den abbeete
• The Goodbye Boat - Mary Joslin

As well as reading, there are many songs that talk about death. One of my personal favorites is "Go Tell Aunt Rhody". Sometimes Quinn will ask me to sing that one to him as I'm tucking him into bed.

Children's Understanding of Death (stages)

Stage I (ages 2-4) - At this stage children don't believe death is final. It is temporary and reversible. They attempt to equate it with something they know (sleep, parents going on vacation, etc.) They are more interested in what death means right now (person is never coming bac) rather than how it happened.

Stage II (ages 4 - 10) - Children at this stage understand that everything that lives will die, although they may or may not apply this to themselves. This is fine and normal. They play many imaginary games like ghost, superheroes, and role play in an attempt to understand death and to deal with their fears. Children will often play dead and pretend to have funerals and other practices (if they are familiar with this).

Stage II (ages 10...) - At this stage, children understand that death is personal, inevitable, universal and final. They may have fears related to this understanding. At all ages, part of the fear of death, for children, is that they will be separated from their parents.

*Much of this information was gathered from workshops given by Tom Hunter and Bev Bos. And for any of my readers in Southern California, Bev Bos is an amazing women, with an amazing preschool in Roseville. I encourage you to check it out, fall in love, and sign up for the waiting list.